I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You can't just leave with hair like that
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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