OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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