I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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