hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
