she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize