I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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