What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
