Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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