and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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