were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
