i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
