I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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