they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
