I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
