Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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