A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize