New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
