Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This is the high leading the old right now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
