my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize