I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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