Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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