Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
