I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize