i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize