btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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