I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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