I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
