I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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