a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
