i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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