i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
