So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We had to coat check the pizza.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize