Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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