i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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