i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
