I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
