fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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