when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
