I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
