My friends, they love my intelligence
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
