she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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