I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
