I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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