Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
