Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize