I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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