i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize