it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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