I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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