Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize