put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
