you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
