i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
