I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
