In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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