Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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