I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
