I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
