every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
