Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
