The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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