I just threw up on my dentist
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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