gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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