I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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