bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize