Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize