I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You're like the curious george of whores
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
