Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
