You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
