If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
