Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize