Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
